DALLAS, TX – American Airlines’ COO David Seymour announced new plans for the airline to crack down on passengers actually enjoying their flights.
In a series of announcements timed to coincide with the release of the airline’s new “Flagship Suites” offering, the vaunted Chief Operating Officer gruffly unveiled a new strategy that will curb passenger enjoyment.
“Today marks a new era in American Airlines travel. Our employees have been given strict guidelines to reduce passenger happiness while traveling on our flights. Under the new guidelines, a joy-reduction metric has been established and flight crews and gate agents will be measured based on the number of negative interactions with passengers,” said Seymour at a press conference held outside a DFW restroom.
Seymour went on to highlight that passenger satisfaction had climbed to unheard-of levels recently causing great concern among senior leadership. With a record-high Net Promoter Score of -11 the airline’s COO was forced to take dramatic action in hopes of bringing passenger satisfaction back in line with brand norms.
A subsequent press release highlighted some of the new tactics the airline will employ to reduce passenger satisfaction.
- Reading the entire terms and conditions section of credit card announcements before forcibly handing an application to every passenger
- Randomly requiring passengers to use a physical boarding pass instead of a digital one
- Requiring at least three ultra-MAGA passengers to fly on every flight in full MAGA regalia
- Random waits on the tarmac for no apparent reason
- Leaving the lights on during all nighttime flights
- Intermittently disabling in-flight entertainment systems
- Playing the heavy metal band Lamb of God’s Omerta during the boarding process
- Timing gate agent break times to coincide with the arrival of planes that have been in the air for longer than 4 hours
- Allowing TikTokers to record videos
- Changing in-flight meals to five-alarm spicy Vindaloo
- Eliminating toilet paper in at least 2 onboard lavatories
Reports are circulating that other airline CEO’s are keeping a keen eye on the measures before implementing their own joy-reduction metric.
Requiring at least three Antifa passengers to fly on every flight carrying rocks and frozen water bottles? C’mon man the law of physics says that every American airplane must have both a left and a right wing.
dangit, missed opportunity!!
LOL. Frontier doesn’t have to worry about passengers enjoying themselves. AA should figure out how they do it.