WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of several recent mass shootings, the United States Department of State issued a travel advisory for its own country Friday.
The travel advisory is a Level 4 bulletin, which suggests people do not travel at all within the country’s borders. The warning applies to not just international travelers but United States residents, as well.
“We urge people to stay home for the time being,” said Department of Homeland Security spokesperson Morgan F. DeWitt. “Following the mass casualty incidents in Buffalo, Uvalde, and Sacramento during the past two months, we suggest travelers not visit anywhere in the United States. And those who must venture out should do everything possible to avoid schools, churches, and supermarkets. Those sites have proven popular venues amongst the mass shooter crowds.”
She said the warning was originally going to be a Level 3 (“Reconsider Travel”) but “this (stuff) is out of control. Why put yourself at risk?”
Those insisting on traveling domestically should use their favorite travel blogger’s Amazon link and purchase a kevlar vest and bulletproof helmet.
Ms. DeWitt suggested that people insisting on traveling “use this unique opportunity” to visit international destinations “on their bucket lists.”
“Pull your kids out of school on spaghetti or pizza day,” she said, “and instead take them to Venice for a canal ride and some noodles and a pie! Skip going to Mass at your local church for the next few weekends. Why not head to Paris and worship at the Notre Dame Cathedral instead? Oh, (expletive), that’s still closed, isn’t it?”
US Secretary of State travel advisories issued due to violence and other personal safety issues aren’t uncommon. Several Mexican states are perpetually on the naughty list because of crime and kidnapping.
But the current “Reconsider Travel Within the United States” marks the first time the United States declared a travel warning for its own country.
The post you’ve just read is….satire.
EDITOR’S NOTE: We know the subject of gun violence is an incredibly sensitive one. However, satire, by the very strictest definition of it, is designed exactly for this very reason: to bitingly use “humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” And yes, the gun violence in this country is stupid. We can do better. Our use of satire is one small way to highlight the incredibly stupid things we allow to happen to our children.
Give The Onion a peak for more biting content in this general direction, including this tweet:
Meh. The post had potential (satirically speaking), but I think the execution mostly missed.
Looking forward to this new travel-focused satire blog.
At least some execution involving a school shooting missed.
Stay out of Democratic controlled inner city sh*tholes and you will be fine.
Your recommendation is more effective than any of the “do something” ideas I’ve heard in the last week. Unfortunately, I live in just such a city. I’d like to move but housing prices have jumped anywhere I’d want to go, whereas my house is worth what it was in 2004.
Awesome. Thanks for the laugh.