TAMPA BAY, FL – The Hertz Corporation rehired one of its most infamous spokesmen: convicted criminal O.J. Simpson.
The one-time Hertz Car Rental pitchman and former football star will serve as the company’s “Incarceration Consultant.” Mr. Simpson, who spent nine years in prison, will design a program to help prepare Hertz customers for jail and prison life after they’re wrongfully arrested and jailed for car theft.
“Hertz IT and business processes seem to be a mess. Their customers keep winding up in jail,” wrote View from the Wing’s Gary Leff on August 22. “The rental giant reports cars stolen that have been properly rented. Or they think cars that have been returned were stolen, even though they keep renting those cars out.”
With no significant resolution in sight, the company decided to implement a new plan: complimentary incarceration preparation.
“The least we can do for these alleged innocent people is provide them some training for what they’ll probably experience when they’re pinched for stealing one of our fine automobiles,” said Tina McGarry, Hertz Corporation’s Vice President of Customer Service – Grand Theft Auto Division. “I watch those jail shows on reality TV. It looks kind of fun but scary, too. Naturally, the first person we thought of was O.J.”
Mr. Simpson appeared in a number of Hertz Car Rental commercials.
He also served nine years in a Nevada prison after being found guilty of armed robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, and kidnapping (among other charges).
Mr. Simpson was found not guilty of the 1994 stabbing murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and a man named Ron Goldman.
The company reconnected with Simpson, who was “delighted” to rejoin Hertz.
“I was sad when they let me go after my legal issues in the mid-nineties. Like a stab in the back,” Mr. Simpson told The Takeoff Nap. “It cut deep when they severed ties with me while I was on trial. It still hurts thinking about it” he said, suddenly launching into a fit of laughter.
“We sealed the deal over dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse,” said Bert Hibbing, Hertz Corporation’s Director of Celebrity Engagement and Law Enforcement Relations. “The Juice was in a great mood and very excited about his new position. But things got a little weird when he gave me lessons about ‘other ways’ to use a steak knife. I’ll leave it at that.”
One eyewitness who sat at a nearby table told The Takeoff Nap that Mr. Simpson referred to his butter knife as a “damn fancy shiv” that would “get the job done to some people.”
Mr. Simpson’s program will include a brief video presentation that customers must watch before entering their vehicle. Customers will be educated about proper jail behavior, “tips and tricks for the jail fresh meat,” Dos and Don’ts for communal shower time, and how to select the best jail tattoo artist.
The post you are reading is…satire
OJ will be a great spokesman because he can convince the public that if you rent from Hertz and are arrested, you can avoid prison. After all, if you can kill two people by slashing their throats and escape a prison sentence, not getting a prison sentence for alleged non-return of a rental car is a piece of cake.
Seriously, OJ was surprisingly effective is his defense. I didn’t think he could do it. Then he became too cocky and got a prison sentence for a silly thing, like sports memorabilia.
This is gold! I am hoping for this to become a series on here where OJ goes through various techniques for increasing odds of a successful stay in the slammer!
This is one of the funniest things you’ve written! LOVE IT!
Thanks, Michael. We gotta the “juice” the news for everything we can.