LONDON – British Airways crew members are horrified at the sudden influx of Renaissance Festival actors flying to England in a completely unnecessary gesture of loyalty to soon-to-be crowned King Charles III.
Art Dunkelman, a regular at the Scarborough Renaissance Festival in Waxahachie, TX, booked the first flight available over the weekend to join thousands of other RenFest actors in their pilgrimage to the UK. “As the Queen’s loyal subjects for two fortnights per year, we are deeply saddened by the passing of our beloved Queen Elizabeth II. We must now humbly offer our services and pledge loyalty to the new king,” Dunkelman said in a practiced but clearly fake cockney accent. Adding, “Huzzah!!”
Unfortunately, Dunkelman’s enthusiasm for his trip was dampened by airport security as TSA agents would not allow him through security with his dragon-hilted broadsword. “How can one be expected to undertake such a perilous journey without one’s trusty steels?” When reminded how much safer England is than many places in the United States, Dunkelman reluctantly handed over his blunted weapons.
Security had to be called in again as many of the actors and RenFest enthusiasts congregated at an airport bar to sing bawdy drinking tunes, demanding mead be served using their own drinking horns and pewter tankards.
Flight attendants expressed dismay at the cultural appropriation by the travelers dressed in medieval garb and loudly harassing other passengers with sexual innuendo. “I don’t know how these people think that using a British accent allows them to comment on the size of a woman’s hips without consequences,” said a BA flight attendant with her authentic British accent. “Rude is rude, no matter how you dress or talk.”
At passport control, British immigration agents had to demand to see the American travelers’ passports several times, declining to accept a “royal writ of invitation by the king himself” on large parchment scrolls as the proper documentation to enter the country.
After arriving at Buckingham Palace, Dunkelman joined his fellow RenFesters to mourn the loss of Her Majesty while also honoring the new king. However, the group’s drunken debauchery did not sit well with the locals.
“They show up and disrespect the monarchy by peddling their turkey legs and funnel cakes on us while we’re trying to show respect,” says London resident Oliver Williams. “And then they have the nerve to pass around a hat for tips after fake jousting?”
Another passerby commented, “Seriously, would they go to Mexico, wear sombreros and long mustaches, speak in terrible Mexican accents, and demand to ride with Pancho Villa? It’s insulting.”