WESTMINSTER, UK – Following the somber passing of Queen Elizabeth II, some seriously strategic planning was involved to avoid complications at Heathrow.
The world was saddened to learn that after 96 years, more than 70 of which were spent ruling the United Kingdom, Queen Elizabeth II died. In her place, King Charles III has assumed his place as monarch.
To compound an already disquieting week in the royal family’s Balmoral estate in the Scottish Highlands, the death of her majesty Queen Elizabeth II, got even more complicated when considering logistics.
“It was her majesty’s dying wish to grace The Queen’s Terminal  at Heathrow just once more before she’s laid to rest. She’d been instrumental in the advancement and promotion of British aviation” Timothy Speakswell, a family representative said to TTN. “However, despite her majesty’s wishes, we had to make other arrangements.”
Heathrow Baggage Struggles Continue
Heathrow and Airports of London had long planned a conceptual welcome home to the Queen with a water cannon salute and a crowd of mourners greeting her remains and the family as she made her way through the terminal one last time.
Leaked memos from Windsor House cited “considerable risk of mishandling the ‘Phoenix’ [code name for the Queen]. One unnamed official was overheard saying “It’s simply not possible. [Heathrow ground staff] can’t be trusted with a matching set of Tumis and you think we are going to bring [her] into that shite?”
The family emphatically denied the “salacious” rumors that her majesty’s final return to Heathrow had been cancelled due to baggage handling issues.
The Queen will instead return to London for a state funeral via RAF base Northolt, west of London proper. The family has instead stated that this was to give the military an opportunity to show their appreciation for her lifelong dedication to the country and military.
Heathrow staff members were sad to hear that her majesty would not be making an appearance, but at least one staffer mentioned off the record, “I wouldn’t trust it either, certainly not with the queen mum.” Then he reconsidered, “do they have any airtags they could put in her pocket?”