Aeroflot unveils new status match program

MOSCOW – Beleaguered Russian airline Aeroflot has unveiled a new status match program design to lure new passengers from rival airlines. The new program was quickly picked up by several travel bloggers who think it could be a real game-changer in the points and miles world.

---

Travel bloggers across the world quickly picked up on a new status match program from the Russian airline Aeroflot. Despite owning a fleet of now-stolen airplanes, only being allowed to fly inside the borders of their country and to Iran, the beleaguered airline has decided to get back on offense in a bid to stabilize the airline.

After several months of emergency meetings inside the airline, the company’s leadership presented a plan to President Vladimir Putin who is required to make literally all decisions for the airline – including when airline comrades are allowed to use the bathroom, the seating arrangements on all flights, and the type of vodka served to the first-class cabin (reportedly the preferred vodka is Channing Tatum’s Born and Bred American Craft Vodka).

The new status match plan was surprisingly well-received by the supreme overlord who shouted his approval to Aeroflot representatives seated at the far of a 688-foot conference room table while munching on the deep-fried ears of a few generals recently relieved of duty and executed.

While details are still emerging on the new plan, some of the major tenets have been unveiled. Reportedly, under the new plan, any members of another airline’s lowest tier (e.g. a Delta Silver Medallion Status), will automatically be granted top tier Aeroflot status. This top status is known as the козёл level (which stands for G.O.A.T).

To qualify for the program, status matchers are required to do several things:

• Fly to Russia and submit your status match application in-person to a local Russian mob boss
• Purchase and ship a copy of literally any military strategy book to Moscow’s senior military generals
• Make a donation in the amount of 1.7 trillion Rubles (or the equivalent of $14.92) to the anti-Ukrainian “peace” effort (this can be submitted in Shiba Inu crypto too)
• Prove through video or picture evidence that you regularly drink reindeer antler blood

After completing these relatively easy-to-accomplish steps, folks will immediately be granted the highest status in the Aeroflot loyalty program.

Once a member of the козёл level, members will be treated to a bevy of unique perks and benefits including:

• Preferred boarding and deplaning
• Access to the one plane still working and being maintained by Aeroflot mechanics
• An unlimited supply of Channing Tatum’s vodka
• A complimentary cup of organic reindeer blood on every flight
• The ability to free (2) relatives from a Serbian gulag

So far, the new program has been widely hailed by the points and miles industry as several travel bloggers were pleased to see the airline back in the game.

---

Note: the idea for this piece of satire came from a guest poster and friend of The TakeoffNap. While this person prefers to remain anonymous, we are acknowledging them here. This was fun idea, good sir!