ESTERO, FL – Rental car juggernaut Hertz announced new plans to devalue its loyalty program after finally crossing an important threshold: all customers have been arrested at least once.
Hertz CEO, and part time airsoft enthusiast, Carl Blanderson, tweeted the news earlier this week catching many customers off guard. “After several long years Hert has finally achieved an important milestone: every customer has been arrested at least once,” he noted.
In a subsequent tweet, he added, “Now, based on those customers who are so brainwashed that they stuck with us despite a spurious arrest, we can implement phase two of our recovery plan: devaluing our loyalty program.”
“Now, based on those customers who are so brainwashed that they stuck with us despite a spurious arrest, we can implement phase two of our recovery plan: devaluing our loyalty program.”
Hert CEO
The rental car juggernaut has been in the news the last few years as many passengers found themselves spending a night in jail after being arrested for stealing a car they’d actually returned. Furious renters voiced their concerns after turning the car in only to be arrested on an outstanding warrant some months later. As it turned out, this was all part of Hertz’s plan to rebuild their business.
As part of a loyalty test initiative, the company set out to arrest every member of the loyalty program at least once. Those who stayed with the program and continued renting cars were determined to be loyal (or brainwashed, as one exec shared in an internal meeting).
Then, the remaining members would be primed for the next phase of the recovery plan: devaluing the loyalty program. The gamble? “If we can arrest you and you don’t leave, we can do pretty much anything to you including devalue any points or rewards you have. You are basically our b*tch at this point,” said one exec off the record to TTN reporters.
Under the new changes, members will earn one point for every day they rent a car. Once they achieve 4,687 points, they will earn a half-off coupon to applied to their next rental day.
For their part, cult members or loyalty program members as they are officially referred to in the Hertz investor’s prospectus, were enthusiastic about the plan. “Yeah, it’s all good, man,” said one renter who’d spent 2 months in jail during the pandemic. “Honestly, the jail move was brilliant, and I needed a break from my wife and kids. It was phenomenal actually. And now, with this move, I should be able to save almost $35 every 11 years which is huge for me.”
The post you are reading is…satire
Like the airlines, Hertz loyalty points can be used for other things than just flying or renting cars. In a deal announced yesterday, Gold Plus Rewards are now redeemable at Uncle Harry’s Bail Bonds and Check Cashing Service.
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