Actual news, no jokes (yet): United Airlines has announced three clear and decidedly un-friendly changes to MileagePlus. First, the beloved Excursionist Perk disappears. Next, instant upgrades on full-fare Y/B/M tickets vanish on . Finally, United will toss the published upgrade-award chart. For all the gorious details, read United’s own update page.
“More for Us, Less for You” — The MileageMinus Manifesto
United’s PR team calls MileageMinus “an innovative blend of negative reinforcement and positive cash flow.” In plain English, they discovered that passengers will literally pay for subtraction. Starting this summer, members will earn -1 mile for every actual mile flown. Moreover, the press kit brags, “We’re redefining progress by going backward—together.”
Executives insist the program “celebrates humility,” and they add that negative balances “help travelers stay grounded, figuratively and literally.” Meanwhile, you won’t need to keep track on your own—the refreshed United app (“Powered by Despair™”) pushes hourly reminders of just how far below zero you’ve sunk.
Consequently, the new status ladder looks like this:
Negative Status Tiers & How to Dig Yourself Deeper
- Bronze Back-Row (-25 k) — You will get a middle seat beside the lav. Enjoy a complimentary whiff of Blue-Cheese-Air every 30 minutes.
- Rust-Silver (-50 k) — Board in Group 12½ (after pets, musical instruments, and the beverage cart). Plus, hear pre-recorded apologies in four languages.
- Decay-Gold (-100 k) — View—but never touch—the overhead bin. Also receive one screenshot of someone else’s drink coupon each quarter.
- Plutonium-1K (-1 million) — The CEO calls to beg, “Please stop flying with us—we’re worried about you.” A plastic wing, snapped in half, comes with the voicemail.
Tip: A 1 K-level plunge isn’t cheap. Therefore, consider booking a mileage run to Australia via Newark, Houston, Honolulu, Guam, and back (all in consecutive 24-hour segments with no bathroom breaks). You’ll reach ‑100 k in no time—and you’ll question every life choice along the way.
New À-La-Carte “Comfort Enhancements” (Formerly Known as Perks)
| Item | Introductory Fee* |
|---|---|
| Seat-Belt Buckle Rental | 3,000 negative miles + $12 sanitizing charge |
| Oxygen Participation | $7 per minute (bulk savings end after 30 seconds) |
| Right-Armrest Co-Ownership | $27 or one jar of Grey Poupon |
| Window-Shade Access | Pay-What-We-Feel dynamic pricing (currently $8) |
| Cabin Humidity | $4 per sigh (the first one is free) |
*United may raise these fees during mild turbulence or collective sighs.
Good news: MileageMinus members can “earn” promo codes to reduce these charges by flying additional segments (that is, by digging themselves deeper). Bad news: the codes arrive as QR tattoos that a roaming fee agent must scan mid-flight. Remember to bring hand sanitizer—actually, that costs $5.
Fare Classes Simplified: Basic-Basic-No-Frills, Now with “Bring-Your-Own-Seat” Option
Fare buckets are now brutally honest:
- Sad — You sit. You pay to sit. That’s it.
- Regret — Includes one complimentary tear-absorbing napkin.
- Why-Did-I-Do-This — BYOS (Bring Your Own Seat). Your FAA-approved furniture must fit entirely in an overhead compartment you cannot open.
Upgrading is easy: simply email ohplease@united.com with a 500-word essay on “What Loyalty Means to Me” and attach your last three pay stubs. The team promises a decision within six to eight months.
Customer Reactions: “Honestly, It Tracks”
“First they came for the stopovers, and I said nothing, because I was on hold with Premier Desk.”
One Redditor live-blogged his plunge: “I jumped from Bronze Back-Row to Rust-Silver in two segments—my therapist says I’m progressing negatively!” Meanwhile, TikTok’s #MileageMinusChallenge urges flyers to reach ‑10 k miles before boarding finishes. The winner gets an exit-row middle seat (armrests sold separately).
Industry Analysts Warn of a “Race to the Basement”
Wall Street loves the idea. Therefore, one analyst—while chugging a $27 airport water—claims, “Negative loyalty balances are unrealized assets.” Delta is reportedly testing SkyNegative™, where Medallion members Venmo the captain mid-flight to keep engines running. Not to be outdone, American teased AAdvantage Avalanche: every swipe triggers a snowball of fees that rolls directly toward your wallet.
Frontier feels furious, mostly because—apparently—they “didn’t think of it first.”
Final Boarding Call
United assures everyone that MileageMinus “aligns shareholder value with passenger humility.” Whether travelers revolt or simply sigh and press purchase remains to be seen. In the meantime, keep wallets and seat belts unbuckled—because it’s going to be a bumpy, fee-laden ride into the glorious negative.
For more satirical takes on aviation, stay with us at The Takeoff Nap.
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