“If They’re Flying Here, They Should Act Like It,” Says Triumphant Trump
In a bold move that has left the international aviation industry in a tailspin[1], President-elect Donald J. Trump announced today that all foreign airlines flying into the United States will be required to rebrand themselves with American-themed names. The unexpected decree aims to ensure that visitors “get a taste of America before they even land.”[2]
[1] Not to be confused with the tailspin his hairstylist experiences daily.
[2] Rumor has it the in-flight meals will now include deep-fried everything.
British Airways Becomes “Freedom Airways”
“We love the Brits, fantastic people, but if they’re coming here, they’ve got to fly as one of us,” Trump declared at a press conference held aboard his personal Boeing 757, now emblazoned with an even larger American flag.[3] “No more British Airways. From now on, it’s Freedom Airways. Much better name, don’t you think?”
[3] Visible from space, reportedly causing confusion among passing satellites.
British Airways responded with characteristic stoicism. “We are reviewing the implications of this announcement,” said a bemused spokesperson, sipping tea.[4] “In the meantime, passengers can enjoy our new in-flight menu featuring hotdogs and apple pie.”
[4] The tea was promptly replaced with lukewarm coffee in compliance with the new mandate.
Meanwhile, rumors suggest that flight attendants may soon trade their uniforms for red, white, and blue ensembles, complete with star-spangled accessories. Fashion Do’s and Don’ts at 30,000 Feet
Lufthansa to Rebrand as “Liberty Wings”
German airline Lufthansa is reportedly scrambling to repaint its entire fleet after being told that its name was “too hard to pronounce” and “probably fake news.” According to inside sources, the airline will rebrand as “Liberty Wings,” and all pilots will be required to wear cowboy hats and greet passengers with a hearty “Howdy y’all!”[5]
[5] Yodeling during turbulence is optional but encouraged.
“This is a tremendous opportunity to strengthen US-German relations,” said Trump, adding, “They gave us hamburgers, it’s the least we can do.”[6]
[6] Historians are currently debating this claim. Top 10 Things Trump Got Wrong About History
Passengers can look forward to in-flight entertainment featuring classic Western films and guided line-dancing in the aisles.
Air France Introduces “Eagle Air”
Air France is reportedly less enthusiastic about the mandate. “We have been instructed to operate under the name ‘Eagle Air,'” sighed an airline executive. “We were also asked to replace all in-flight entertainment with reruns of ‘Baywatch.'”[7]
[7] This move is expected to increase life vest sales by 200%.
When asked about the change, Trump stated, “The French love us, they really do. They gave us the Statue of Liberty; the least we can do is give them a proper airline name.” He then added, “Plus, everyone knows eagles are way cooler than… whatever bird they have.”[8]
[8] Ornithologists could not be reached for comment due to uncontrollable laughter.
In an effort to comply, Air France is considering replacing their iconic croissant service with “Freedom Fries” and offering complimentary mini flags instead of hot towels.
Emirates Airlines Now “Stars and Stripes Air”
Not even carriers from distant lands are exempt. Emirates Airlines received notice that it must rebrand as “Stars and Stripes Air.” In addition, flight attendants will be required to lead passengers in the Pledge of Allegiance before takeoff.[9]
[9] Forget seat belts, patriotism is the new safety procedure.
“It’s about unity,” Trump explained. “We can’t have people flying around with all these different airline names. It confuses the folks. We’re bringing everyone together under the banner of the red, white, and blue.”
An insider hinted that the airline is considering incorporating bald eagles into their logos, though concerns have been raised about avian copyright laws. When Eagles Sue: The Legal Eagles of the Skies
Reactions from Around the Globe
The international community has met the announcement with a mix of confusion, amusement, and mild indigestion.[10]
[10] Side effects may include eye-rolling and spontaneous declarations of “Oh, America.”
Canadian airline Air Canada has preemptively changed its name to “Maple Leaf Air,” which Trump has tentatively approved. “Canada’s basically our 51st state anyway,” he remarked. “Great people, great syrup. Terrible at hockey though.”[11]
[11] This comment sparked immediate apologies from Canadians, even though they weren’t sure why.
Meanwhile, Japan Airlines is considering the name “Samurai Air,” to which Trump responded, “Not American enough, but I like the effort. We’ll work on it.” Discussions are underway to rename it “Rising Sunsets Over America Air.”[12]
[12] A name that reportedly originated from a poorly translated haiku.
Airlines from other countries are following suit—or not. Qantas Airways from Australia quipped, “Throw another name on the barbie? No worries mate!” A Dingo Stole My Airline’s Name!
A New Era of Aerial Patriotism
While airlines grapple with the logistical nightmare of overnight rebranding, souvenir shops across America are experiencing a surge in sales of miniature planes bearing the new names.[13]
[13] Because nothing says “Welcome to America” like a cheaply made replica of a plane you weren’t on.
“This is the beginning of a beautiful new chapter in aviation,” Trump proclaimed. “We’re making flying great again, one airline at a time.” He then teased a future plan to rename all international airports to include “American” in the title, such as “John F. Kennedy American International American Airport.”[14]
[14] Critics are already referring to this as “The Department of Redundancy Department.”
At press time, reports emerged that Trump is also considering rebranding international food items onboard flights. “No more ‘croissants’ or ‘sushi,'” he announced. “From now on, it’s all American food, like pizza and tacos.”[15]
[15] Geographers and culinary experts are now collectively banging their heads against their desks.
In related news, a new policy may require all passengers to hum “The Star-Spangled Banner” during takeoff and landing. How to Sing an Anthem When You Don’t Know the Words
Final Thoughts
As the world braces for this new era of aerial patriotism, one can’t help but wonder if the next step will be renaming the clouds to “Freedom Puffs” and the sky to “Liberty Blue.” So, next time you board a flight, remember to pack your sense of humor along with your carry-on. Who knows, you might just end up on “Yankee Doodle Airlines” with a side of “Liberty Peanuts.”
And if you’re feeling particularly adventurous, why not start your own airline? Just make sure it has a catchy American name, like “Stars and Stripes Soar” or “Patriot Wings.” After all, in the land of the free, the sky’s the limit!
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This work of satire was AI-written / human assisted.