Suicidal Man Refuses to Be Caught Dead in Disgusting Hotel Room

BOISE, ID – A suicidal man intent on Bonvoying himself re-discovered the will to live after checking into hotel accommodations he found less than ideal.

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Russell “Rusty” Carrington IV of Meridien, ID, checked into the JW Marriott – Boise City Center on Tuesday. He spent 175,000 points on a suite he expected to enjoy for only a few hours — before his planned suicide. 

But things took an unexpected twist.

“I planned to Bonvoy myself,” he said. “I’d been planning this for a long time. So, I burned all my points on fun trips and stuff during the past few months.

“I had 168,432 Marriott points left,” he explained. “But that wasn’t enough to get a suite at the Jay-Dub in downtown Boise. But one of those credit card salesman bloggers — I forget which one — said points were on sale. So I said ‘the hell with it’ and bought ten thousand more.”

Mr. Carrington is a Marriott Bonvoy Gold member, thanks to his American Express Platinum card membership. He said he dearly misses his beloved, now-defunct Starwood Preferred Guest program. (“May it Rest In Peace,” he said, “just like I almost did, hah hah.”)

His plan was simple: check into the suite he booked, order room service, and wash down two handfuls of pills with whatever liquor was in the room’s minibar.

But fate — in the form of the JW Marriott Boise City Center — intervened.

“First of all,” Mr. Carrington said with a click of his tongue, “there were water spots on the bathroom counter. And the shower had wall-mounted toiletries. I didn’t plan to bathe or anything because I’d be, you know, dead. But still. Wall-mounted toiletries are so high-school locker room.”

But his would-be last day became even worse.

“I tried ordering room service at around 3 P.M. But they were closed until dinner service started at five. Apparently, they’re operating on reduced hours because of staffing shortages. I was hungry for my steak and French fries and didn’t want to wait. I had a schedule to keep and I pride myself on being prompt and on time. Neither death nor I wait for room service.”

The problems continued.

The staffing shortages also affected the mini-bar restocking staff — who were refilling the goody fridges four floors below and hadn’t made their way up to the suites yet. All that was left in his bar was a can of Diet Coke and a single wine split of Chardonnay. 

“That wouldn’t ‘get the job done,’” he said.

The tipping point came when he spotted something on the king bed’s white comforter.

“I noticed a couple of minor stains,” he said. “I don’t know if they were blood, vomit, or something else. All I wanted was a clean bed where I could overdose and die. Like, excuse me for having high expectations!

“I’m a Gold member who booked a suite!” Mr. Carrington fumed. “I’ve had better service on days I wanted to live! I was mortified by the staff’s ignorance.”

Mr. Carrington said he then had “an out-of-body experience.”

“I had a vision of good-looking paramedics coming into the room and discovering my pristine corpse,” he explains. “They’d obviously want to try mouth-to-mouth as much as possible. Maybe for a few hours. But they’d look around the room and go, ‘I thought this guy had class. Instead, look at this room! What a pigsty! The bathroom! The mini bar! These stains on the sheets! 

“It was then I decided I wouldn’t be caught dead in that disgusting room.”

Mr. Carrington packed up his pills and went home with a new lease on life. But he is frustrated about one thing.

“I’m pretty much out of points and still have a lifetime left to live,” Mr. Carrington said with a sigh. “I guess I have to churn a bunch of credit cards now and start MSing like crazy.”

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Author’s Note: This post is dark satire. The author has been treated in real life for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts — and is so glad he’s still alive. If you or someone you know are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255).