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CONFIDENTIAL — FOR INTERNAL USE ONLY

U.S. DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION | TRUMP SPECTACLE AUTHORITY

(Formerly the Transportation Security Administration)

Trump Spectacle Authority

Standard Operating Procedures — Special Event 25-614

(“If you see something, say Surprise!”)

Executive Summary

On Saturday 14 June 2025, Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport (DCA) will execute a full-field ground stop from roughly 18:30 – 21:45 ET. During this window, the U.S. Army 250^th-birthday parade will double as Donald Trump’s 79^th-birthday bash, complete with tank procession, fighter-jet fly-over, and fireworks (NBC Washington, WTOP).

All commercial arrivals and departures pause so VIP armor can taxi down the centerline. Roughly 100–120 flights will be affected. American, Delta, Southwest, and United have published fee-free change waivers (Delta advisory). Travellers are “encouraged” to sample BWI or Dulles—assuming they can escape GW Parkway gridlock.

The event’s working budget hovers between $25 – $45 million (ARLnow)—a line-item that excludes the gilded invoice frame and therapy-puppy overtime currently “under review.” To manage the logistical fireworks, the TSA will temporarily re-badge as the Trump Spectacle Authority, adopting the procedures herein to maximize patriotism, minimize efficiency, and guarantee top-five Nielsen ratings.

an airport with airplanes parked on the ground

Uniform & Branding Update

Trump Spectacle Authority agents must embody showmanship befitting a runway revue. Your uniform is no longer merely functional—it is fungible content.

Mandatory neckwear: 4-inch crimson satin tie, tip reaching belt buckle or tank tread—whichever appears first in the selfie frame.
Epaulets: gold-lamé stamped “45 / 47.” Personal rhinestones allowed; glitter cannon discouraged inside magnetometers.
Lapel pin: new SA crest—M1 Abrams, birthday candle, orbiting bald eagle—polished to 500-lumen sparkle for camera crews.
Optional flair: foam finger (“We’re #45 / 47!”). Index finger must remain vertical; other digits violate Title 49 §1540.

Agents failing to meet spectacle-ready luminosity will be reassigned to the Reagan National voicemail labyrinth (“Press 6 if you’ve lost hope”).

Security officers in red-tie uniforms posing next to a Delta-branded tank inside terminal

Checkpoint Redesign (14 June Only)

All screening zones convert to Patriot Performance Stages. Remember: today the camera is your primary threat vector—never turn your back on it.

OLD RULE	REBRAND UPGRADE
3-1-1 liquids	3-7-9 rule: three bags, seven-ounce hair gel, nine-ounce bronzer—containers must sparkle on HD.
PreCheck lane	Renamed Very Important Patriot (VIP); ID vetted by reality-TV judges.
Fireworks prohibited	Fireworks <100 g permitted if color-matched to float palette (see SA-XPL-420-B “Freedom Sparkle Allowance”).

*All rules revert 00:01 ET 15 June. Confetti residue may linger through FY 2029.*

Trump ribbon-cut at checkpoint while agents salute and fireworks glitter outside

Parade-Day Passenger Flowchart

ARRIVAL → Secondary Birthday Screening →

Gate A — Bleacher seating & compulsory Flag-Wave Tutorial.
Gate B — Overflow gift-bag pick-up (mini Constitution, single peanut, commemorative earplugs).

Both streams converge at 21:30 for a stadium-sized rendition of “Happy Birthday” led by the Joint Service Band. Non-participants will be permanently transferred to an airline’s on-hold music loop.

Pastel arrows flowchart with stick passengers and flags

Loyalty & Waiver Provisions

Elite benefits adapt to the armored environment. Passengers are reminded that status does not override Secret Service side-eye.

Humvee-Class Upgrades: Executive Platinum & equivalents may claim turret seating, subject to seat-belt extenders and Secret Service temperament.
MAGA Miles™ earn rate: Receive 5 miles per delayed minute—redeemable toward 2030 encore parade bleachers or select “Freedom Sparkle” fireworks merch.
Change-fee waivers: Mirrors bulletins from American, Delta, Southwest, and United.
Customers of Size (Southwest): may reserve an entire turret, provided both arms remain inside hatch during parade-crush.

a card with a picture of a military vehicle and barbed wire

Cost Accountability Appendix

Project budget: $25 – $45 million (ARLnow). Breakdown subject to post-event congressional shrug.

60 % — Tanks & transport
20 % — Fireworks synced to Sinatra remixes
10 % — Cake logistics & refrigeration
9 % — Marketing-slogan focus groups
1 % — Passenger peanuts (salted, half-pack)

Glowing pie chart above runway with tanks, fireworks, cake costs

Passenger FAQ

Can I watch from the Capital One Lounge?: Lounge re-designated V.I.Panzer Pavilion. Binoculars allowed; outside cake incurs slicing fee.
Does Global Entry still work?: Rebranded Global Enormity™. Processing: 90 days + 90-minute parade delay.
Will fireworks trigger terminal smoke detectors?: Yes, but sensors now interpret plumes as “scents of freedom.”
Will CLEAR still let me cut?: Absolutely—after biometric verification of unwavering eye contact with live TV cameras.

a man looking at a cake with candles in a room with tanks

Closing Oath for Agents

I pledge allegiance to the Spectacle, and to the applause for which it stands—one Nation, under cameras, highly divisible, with gate changes and baggage fees for all.

Final Thoughts

As the nation prepares to pause air traffic for a televised tank-and-cake celebration, we salute the travelers rerouted, the agents rebranded, and the balloons repurposed as runway decor. In a country where flights are delayed by weather, staffing, and now parades, at least the peanut rationing remains consistent.

If you’re still at your gate wondering whether your aircraft will outrun the F-35s, take comfort in knowing you were part of something inefficient, symbolic, and highly flammable.