DoorDash Announces Runway Drive-Thru After Driver Accidentally Tests Concept at O’Hare
CHICAGO — May 23, 2025. DoorDash confirmed today that last week’s runway incursion—during which Dasher Miguel Ramirez eased his Prius behind an American Airlines A321—was not a breach but a flawless live trial
of the company’s newest service, TarmacDash™. The pilot run delivered one order of curly fries in eleven minutes, beating prevailing gate-pizza wait times by a wide margin.
Executives hailed the incident as a historic advance in point-to-point nacho logistics,
noting the Prius achieved a record MoPU (Meals per Unscheduled Pushback) of 1.0. Analysts immediately argued over whether MoPU belongs above or below EBITDA on the next earnings call, but DoorDash insisted both metrics will be surge-priced for clarity.
Taxiway Press Conference Declares “First Drive-Thru Boarding Zone”
Vice President of Novel Revenue Streams Alana “A-B-Test” Chen addressed reporters while interns stapled fresh DoorDash decals over the “NO ENTRY” placards behind her. With the cheddar-stripe Prius idling theatrically on the centerline, Chen promised wheels-up-warmth™: entrées that remain gooey until the seat-belt sign is off.
Chen unveiled the trademarked Window-to-Windshield Handoff™, developed in Formula 1 pit simulators and, so far, one real Prius. A brief demo followed: two staffers hurled a burrito between moving golf carts while a marshaller waved oversized DoorDash bags like batons. “If you can toss keys across a parking lot,” Chen said, “you can toss queso across a taxiway.”
She closed by projecting MoPU dominance by Q4, once taxi time is classified as a billable “surge window.” A slide behind her showed EBITDA shrinking politely to make room.
How TarmacDash™ Works — Frequent(ly Unnecessary) Questions
The company released a four-step explainer for travelers eager to convert idle ramp space into idle eating space. Highlights include an $8.99 Incursion Concierge Fee™ and a liability waiver titled “I Accept the Jet Blast.”
- Step 1 — Deliver to Runway: Adds the concierge fee plus a pop-up warning about jet-engine ingestion.
- Step 2 — Temporary Call-Sign: The app assigns your driver “DASH 527.” Orders auto-convert to Chili’s credit if ATC replies with laughter.
- Step 3 — Window-to-Windshield Handoff™: Prius matches taxi speed for a suction-tray quesadilla transfer. Success rate: 97 percent, except in crosswinds.
- Step 4 — Tipping: Tips under 15 percent auto-convert to de-icing fluid; tips ≥ 25 percent unlock a stroopwafel carefully warmed by bleed air.
Live tracking now overlays each Prius on FAA charts. Surge-pricing icons flash whenever ATC clears a 737 to “follow the burger sedan.” Users may also toggle a “Jet Noise Cancelation” option that simply mutes the app and hopes for the best.
Regulators Offer Measured Shrugs
The TSA quickly clarified that fries containing fewer than 3.4 fluid ounces of grease remain within liquid restrictions, though agents confiscated a passenger’s 4-oz ranch cup out of an abundance of flavor.
Officials also reminded travelers that queso is considered a gel and therefore subject to secondary screening.
The FAA issued NOTAM ⟨KORD 0523/045⟩ advising crews to “EXPECT SPONTANEOUS PRIUS ON TAXIWAY; USE VISUAL.” One veteran controller compared the advisory to the annual Thanksgiving turkey fly-through, adding, “at least the Prius keeps below VR.” No additional staffing will be provided; markers now note “FRIES POSSIBLE” on sectional charts.
First-Wave Feedback from “Frequent Fryers”
“Five stars. Finally earned fries and SkyMiles before rotation.” — @Seat2AinCoach
“One star. Driver taxied past my row to serve Delta One first. Typical status discrimination.” — User on YelpGate
Cabin crews report mixed results: some appreciate selling fewer snack boxes, while others demand queso-splash hazard pay
after the first mid-handoff jalapeño incident. The Association of Professional Marshallers has entered the chat, seeking a 10-percent cut of Incursion Concierge Fees for each wand salute delivered to a hatchback.
Analysts See Bumpy Road Ahead, Shares Rise Anyway
Morgan Stanley downgraded DoorDash from “Overweight” to “Buy, but in a fire-suit,” cautioning that MoPU margins could crater if Prius drivers unionize for de-icing exposure. Their note also flagged “acts of seagulls” and “queso FOD” as emerging headwinds.
Despite the warning, DoorDash rallied four percent in after-hours trading after teasing a nationwide rollout starting with JetBridge Jamba Juice at LaGuardia and a “Taxiway Taco Bell” concept rumored for Dallas/Fort Worth. Analysts called the enthusiasm “classic American optimism” and “slightly ranch-flavored.”
Bottom Line
Ground crews finally towed the pioneering Prius off Runway 27R at sunset, its hazards blinking surge-pricing orange after accruing $423 in idle fees and a historic MoPU of one. A spokesperson confirmed the vehicle will be preserved in a museum display labeled “First Fast-Food Incursion.”
Meanwhile, travelers across the country confront a bittersweet, grease-scented dilemma: Board first, or wait for the guy in the Prius? Either way, runway-fresh nachos have entered the national supply chain—and no flight plan appears safe from them now.
For more satirical takes on aviation, visit The Takeoff Nap.
The Takeoff Nap does not endorse infringing upon taxiway airspace and would like to remind everyone that it’s best to avoid mixing pizza and a crosswind unless one’s taste buds are daringly adventurous.
Disclaimer (Please Don’t Call Legal): This article is satire.