BROOKLYN, NY — A hush falls over Terminal B. Robed influencers parade toward a makeshift metal altar, intent on replacing last year’s Sapphire Reserve cards. These cards resemble ancient stone tablets, only much easier to slip into skinny jeans. Prophecies swirl: on June 21, 2025, the Chase Bank-state intends to reveal a refreshed design as well as the new Sapphire Business Reserve. While diligent churners simply see another launch, true believers welcome nothing less than a credit-card Pentecost.
This moment stirs more excitement than a Delta flash sale to Des Moines for points people everywhere. For years, points peddlers and referral prophets have predicted this day. Sometimes, cryptic messages like “COMPLETE SAPPHIRE SET HERE – DM FOR LINK” appear on airport bathroom walls just in time for the solstice. Meanwhile, airport security workers just wonder why so many grownups chant APRs while gripping blue rectangles to their chests.
Of course, even jaded mileage-runners pause their spreadsheets in awe. Word of the new card spreads faster than “Free Upgrade” gossip in a SkyClub. Ultimately, only Chase decides who gets to hold the blessed metal. As airport gossip goes, the next sign-up bonus may include one direct deposit miracle and half an avocado toast—truly a modern reward.
Call to Worship: The Solstice of Swipe
Launch 1:6-21 — “And on the eve of the solstice the Blue Slab shall descend, that points may abound.”
Leader (clanging card against pulpit): “Brothers, sisters, authorized users, what is our credit limit?”
Congregation: “Without limit, if transacted in points… Amen-ity Credit!”
Every summer solstice, Chase Sapphire zealots fill the TSA precheck line. Instead of Priority Passes, devoted marchers wave torches and softly hum the 5x dining jingle. In accordance with recent tradition, worshippers slide quietly in Crocs and Allbirds—shoes officially approved by the last conclave.
Some loyalists murmur, “purchase protection be upon you,” while blocking the uninitiated. Especially unwelcome are travelers displaying inferior cards. “Get thee behind me, Venture X!” is the sacred chant for this exact purpose. After the procession ends, everyone gathers at the altar—a glowing kiosk between Auntie Anne’s and the Airport Sleep Pods. Here, a platinum-haired priest blesses each cardholder using the brilliant blue from a UV-powered chip reader.
In addition, scholars believe Chase engineers study the ceremony from behind the SmartWater display, ready to award bonus points to the truly faithful. However, not everyone pays attention, as many are distracted by enticing scents from the pretzel stand. Regardless, each pilgrim moves closer to the prophesied new card.
The Ten Comma-Mandments of Credit
- Thou shalt not open more than five Chase cards within twenty-four moons.
- Thou shalt render unto Chase $795 in annual tribute, plus $195 for each disciple.
- Thou shalt keep the $300 travel credit holy, lest it expire unredeemed.
- Honor thy CLEAR credit and thy Instacart subscription, that thy grocery deliveries may be long upon the couch.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Peacock Premium—Chase hath provided it.
- Remember the fine print, and chant it softly in Latin during layovers.
- Thou shalt clang thy metal upon TSA trays as a testimony to the uninitiated.
- When tempted by Amex, thou shalt rebuke it with the words, “Get behind me, Centurion.”
- Keep holy the FICO score, for it is the measure of righteousness.
- Thou shalt baptize newcomers in Sapphire-blue cocktails and hand-wipe smudges from their EMV chips.
Most faithful gather at the stone tablets, now engraved with expiration dates and prominent “Do Not Discard” warnings. Next, leaders recite each commandment, and the group responds in unison: “APR as it is in Credit Karma!” The excitement becomes contagious.
For example, many ambitious students jot TikTok scripts, hoping for eternal 1:1 transfers to Aer Lingus Avios. Additionally, a gray-templed travel hacker attempts to etch an eleventh commandment—”Thou shalt never pay foreign transaction fees.” Security quickly ushers him away, ending the dream.
It is especially important to remember the third comma-mandment. Anyone who misuses the $300 travel credit finds themselves instantly banished to “Customer Service Hold.” All cardholders must follow these rules, or else they get the dreaded warning: “Your Sapphire Reserve has been shut down for suspicious devotion to Apple Pay.”
Additionally, legend claims the tablets flash blue each solstice. Old-timers even say this once blinded a Citi representative, although probably not for the complete duration of three to five business days. In any case, the warning sticks.
Rituals & Indulgences
- Mid-Aisle Baptism — Gate C14 transforms into a font where attendants drizzle indigo martinis over loyal cardholders, murmuring, “5× on Premium Econ thou art.”
- The Coupon-Book Litany — A scroll 400 pages long (in 3-pt Helvetica) unrolls down the jet bridge. Each micro-credit is recited, and the congregation answers, “Pends as Dining.”
- Confession of Chargebacks — Penitents kneel, whispering disputed Lyft rides; a priest taps “Resolve in App” and grants 500 UR points of absolution.
Martinis and Mysticism
Many churners describe a blue fog settling over the lounge chapel as the Mid-Aisle Baptism begins. For each drop, worshippers get +1 elite status as well as lounge access. Meanwhile, non-status onlookers crowd around the frosted glass, desperate to spot new EMV chips glowing freshly sanctified.
The Litany and Load
The Coupon-Book Litany truly tests devotion. If you miss a single perk, you risk exile to the Basic Economy Section. Recitations often stretch over four gate changes, pausing only for “Pre-Board” calls. At the final page, clergy offer tote bags full of expired DoorDash discounts. Recently, even the clergy have expressed sympathy for this annual weight.
Sacred Objects & Relics
| Relic | Why the Faithful Treasure It |
|---|---|
| Protective TPU Reliquary Case | Keeps the holy gradient unsmudged until first statement close. |
| Candle of Lounge Broth | Smells like chicken noodle & delayed flights—invokes status nostalgia. |
| Scroll of Terms (Latin Edition) | Chanted nightly to ward off claw-backs. |
Behind bulletproof glass in the Sapphire Lounge, which sits next to Hudson News, priceless relics await discovery. Devotees whisper about the original metal card prototype. Some say it once split a TSA tray clean in two during the fabled Platinum Age.
Other relics attract crowds as well. For instance, the Candle of Lounge Broth is often mistaken for soup by new initiates. Now, it acts as a beacon and a warning both. Furthermore, point pilgrims snap pictures of these velvet displays for the #SapphireSzn Instagram challenge almost daily.
Occasionally, guides present the “First Ever $95 Annual Fee Statement.” It sits next to a $10 DoorDash coupon so old, only the Corporate Loss Prevention number remains legible. Everyone agrees—this artifact proves true devotion.
High Priestess & Heresies
Epistle of Claudia (Design 2:7) — The Instagram scroll shows Schiffer modeling the leaked indigo gradient. Apostate bloggers criticize the hue. However, the faithful quickly stone them with referral links.
Claudia’s runway walk brings the holiest moment of every Sapphire season. With each step, she tosses referral codes like papal confetti. Her gown, cleverly woven from statement shreds and DoorDash receipts, stuns onlookers with every twirl. In addition, as she waves the glowing indigo card, bonus points seem to rain right through the pews.
Not all are convinced, however. Heretics question the sacred gradient, referencing rumors of “Cobalt Plus” from distant lands. Seasoned Sapphire fans strike back anyway—not with stones, but with piles of unused Uber Eats credits and QR codes promising to “Learn More.” Eventually, Claudia closes the ceremony with two annual Priority Pass lounge visits for everyone—at least for the next seven business days, as terms and conditions apply.
The Business Reserve Apostolate
Enterprise 3:16 proclaims: “Hard work is about to get more rewarding”. Business initiates survive trials of quarterly P&Ls before finally meeting the CFO, who taps their shoulder with the ceremonial stapler. Instantly, reimbursement miracles flow.
The dawn always brings the first Business Reserve ceremony. Here, participants place their secret spreadsheets on the boardroom altar. Meanwhile, the CFO, dressed in blue, knights honored employees using the Chrome Stapler of Profit & Loss.
Next comes the best part: the faithful hold more than credits—they also get the coveted “Free Office Supply Order.” This perk is almost always denied, especially when marked as “Consulting.” While blue stained-glass charts glow overhead, the flock chants quarterly earnings in unison. In the end, senior staff remind everyone to never mix business and personal spend—no matter how weak the 5x portal temptation may be.
Revelations & Prophecies
Signs 5:12 — “And the faithful on r/Churning did enhance the JPEG, and beheld that the APR was most Helvetica.”
Secrets at the Lounge Gates
All around the Hudson Yards pop-up lounge, eager Redditors tap furiously at their laptops. They zoom into every kiosk photo for clues about upcoming bonus categories, unwilling to miss even one key pixel. Often, someone mutters, “What font is that? Is it Helvetica Bold or maybe Helvetica Neue?” For these digital sleuths, cracking the next points secret is a sacred calling.
The Mass Clang and Streaming Blessings
Underground lounge pop-ups now compete for the bluest cocktails, seeking social media glory. Next, brave invitees test their faith at the “Mass Clang,” clanging metal cards for the loudest echo—and the biggest online following. Every clang streams live on various platforms, rewarding viewers with 500 points for triple-tapping the heart icon during the ceremony. Meanwhile, influencers have begun planning for next year; apparently, some expect a group humming of the Cardmember Agreement in binary.
After cocktails and clangs, crowds gather for a Peacock screening of “Points Evangelist.” Almost everyone will admit they attend mainly for the 10x points on popcorn purchases, plus the chance to tap their new Sapphire card on the chapel’s self-serve popcorn machine.
Benediction of Points Multiplication
As the ushers pass their offering tray—already half-filled with metal cards and faint Biscoff aroma—the high priest stands beneath the glowing jumbotron. Suddenly, all eyes watch point balances spinning and multiplying like biblical loaves.
Within seconds, numbers grow so quickly that sparks fly from the main server. Luckily, this gets covered by travel insurance. Murmurs ripple: “Is this a glitch?” Soon the crowd goes quiet. Obviously, this is the new standard. Now, cardholders race to transfer points before redemption rates drop by midnight. In the far corner, a dejected Citi account holder Googles “How to Join UR Caste” on the lounge WiFi.
Leader: “Go forth and evangelize—swipe, tap, and recline.”
Congregation (louder, metallic echo): “Amen-ity Credit!”