CHICAGO, IL – Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot unveiled a new plan this week to relocate homeless people from O’Hare Airport to its crappier little brother, Midway Airport.
The new policy came on the heels of significant backlash from travelers frustrated at the growing homeless population using the O’Hare Airport as a resting place at night.
“The unhoused will be given an opportunity to leverage the unique assets available to them at Midway Airport, a property that has been designed specifically to accommodate a demographic of passengers that probably shouldn’t be traveling anyway,” offered Lightfoot in a statement made in front of a Midway Airport shuttle stop.
Under the new policy, homeless people at O’Hare will be rounded up on an Avis shuttle and bussed to the Midway Airport where they will be allowed to gather in common areas just outside of airport security, shower in the 3 bathrooms on the airport grounds, and be allowed to copulate in the Spirit Airlines gate area.
The homeless will also be allowed to travel for free twice a month on Spirit Airlines to exciting destinations like San Francisco, New York City and Los Angeles as part of an IL-taxpayer-funded program to spur economic opportunities for Spirit Airlines, a notable donor to Mayor Lightfoot’s reelection campaign.