ATLANTA, GA – Airlines are begging governments for a return to the draconian lockdowns seen at the height of the pandemic in a desperate bid to scale back travel demand. “We can’t find anyone who wants to work anymore; this is insanity!” said one travel exec pleading for the mask mandate to be reinstated.
Airlines CEOs reportedly held a secret meeting with representatives of Congress this week. The agenda? A request to return to the draconian lockdown measures seen at the heights of the pandemic.
As travel chaos reigns supreme across airports, airlines and travel companies in general, are struggling to keep up with record breaking demand. The airlines appear to have been caught completely unprepared for the notion that people might still actually want to travel after being locked down for 2+ years.
Having fired most of their staff including pilots, flight attendants, mechanics and gate agents, the airlines simply can’t keep up with the deluge of people seeking to go literally anywhere else other than where they are.
After failed attempts to hire more staff, the airlines are now trying something different: begging the federal government to reintroduce the lockdowns responsible for crippling their industry during the pandemic.
“If we can get the mask mandates reinstated, and maybe some travel bans in a few key states we might just have a chance,” said one CEO who wished to remain anonymous (it was American Airlines’ CEO Doug Parker, by the way). “We’d give anything to return to the good old days where we still got our sweet executive bonuses, but also didn’t have to hire so many people or pay them so well.”
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg is said to be seriously considering their demands but after his husband’s luggage was lost on a recent flight home to Indiana he’s reportedly changed his tune. “Screw those guys. I am now considering implementing a rule where you have to travel every 3 months just to increase demand. That’ll teach ’em.”
The post you are reading is…satire.