Southwest's Farewell To Free Bags: A Military Funeral Spectacle

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DALLAS LOVE FIELD — Memorial Day, May 26 2025

In a bittersweet holiday twist, Southwest Airlines announced last Thursday that its signature “Bags Fly Free” policy—beloved since the carrier’s first 1971 take-off—will officially fall in battle on May 28. Two free checked bags have long been the airline’s folksy badge of honor, setting it apart from stingier rivals. Executives now insist that “supply-chain pressures,” “competitive realignment,” and “shareholder hunger pangs” leave no room in the overhead bin for free luggage. A public mourning ceremony—equal parts pageantry and revenue forecast—unfolded today amid red-white-and-blue bunting, a brass quintet, and a suspicious number of QR codes linking to the new fee schedule.

The Casket — A Pair of 50-Pound Samsonites

Pallbearers wearing neon-orange vests marched in lockstep, cradling twin 50-pound Samsonites—symbolic caskets for the fallen perk. A velvet rope separated emoji-faced onlookers from the procession, while an a cappella flight-attendant choir delivered a somber mash-up of “Weigh Me Up Before You Go-Go” and “Leaving on a Jet Plane.” Ground crew members formed a living conveyor belt, gliding imaginary bags heavenward as CEO Bob Jordan intoned, “From carousel we came and to carousel we shall return.” Tears? Those were just de-icing fluid, sir.

The flag itself—stitched from recycled drink coupons—was folded into a tight triangle before being presented to a stunned family of vacationers who had arrived two hours early “just to avoid C group.” They received both the flag and a freshly printed invoice for future bag fees.

Final Boarding Calls & Eulogies

Bob Jordan, CEO: “Some perks die in Economy; this one lived in the hearts of all fare classes. May its spirit roll freely through the overhead bin of eternity—and into our Q3 earnings.”
Chief Revenue Chaplain: “Greater love hath no perk than this, that it lay down its life for quarterly guidance. Amen and EarlyBird Boarding to you all.”
Loyalty Influencer @PointsBro92: “Pouring out this mini-bottle of Tito’s for my homie—then immediately expensing it as ‘community outreach.’”

The gate-area PA crackled to life for the “Last Boarding Call.” Instead of military rank, the announcer recited preferred credit-card tiers, inviting “all holders of the Rapid Rewards® Plus Visa to pre-board for grief counseling and upselling.” A spontaneous chant of “Two bags good, four fees better!” was quickly monetized by a pop-up merch kiosk.

21-Bag Salute & Fly-Over

At precisely 12:00, ramp agents raised zebra-striped barcode scanners skyward for a 21-beep salute—the traditional aviation tribute dating back to, oh, fifteen minutes ago. A trio of 737-700s then thundered past in a V-formation, etching a heart-shaped contrail before deliberately entering a half-hour holding pattern “in remembrance of future scheduling meltdowns.”

Passengers applauded the spectacle until flight attendants reminded them that applause now counts as a $5 “in-cabin audio disturbance” fee. A nearby toddler burst into tears—not from the price hike, insiders say, but because he’d already checked two stuffed animals under the old policy.

Gold-Star Bag Families™ Program

To soften the blow—and nudge open wallets—Southwest introduced Gold-Star Bag Families™, a tiered payment plan that “honors the legacy” with a modest tariff:

$40 First Bag: Includes commemorative luggage tag (“I Paid to Remember”) and complimentary emotional-support peanut.
$45 Second Bag: Grants access to the exclusive Thoughts & Prayers boarding group—situated between A-List Preferred and “families who thought just one more souvenir wouldn’t tip the scale.”
$40 Re-print Fee: Because grief is temporary, but documentation errors are forever.

Spokespeople confirmed that double Rapid Rewards points will be awarded—then quietly expire during the inevitable website-maintenance window. Press asked if any tier allowed true free checked bags. “Yes,” replied the VP of Ancillary Revenue, “but only for carry-on luggage measuring zero by zero by zero inches. Dream big.”

Frugal Fliers Pay Their Respects

Veteran Southwest devotee Gloria Martinez bowed her head beside the casket, slipping a rose—meticulously under 40 lbs.—into the open compartment. “I’ve never paid a bag fee in my life,” she whispered. “Guess it’s time to master the dark art of personal-item Tetris.” She then folded a week’s worth of clothing, a yoga mat, and three enchilada trays into an under-seat tote and vanished into legend.

Spirit Airlines, never one to miss a punchline, posted a tribute on X: “Welcome to the club! Next round of fee hikes on us.* (*Fee for round of fee hikes not included.)” Frontier responded with a respectful GIF of a bald eagle shedding a single tear—then immediately DM’d viewers a $39 priority-seating offer.

Frequent-Flyer Takeaway

Travelers have 48 precious hours left to lock in itineraries under the dying regime. After that, frugal flyers face a crossroads:

Earn—or buy—the elite status that waives fees (approximate cost: one month’s rent in Denver).
Leverage airline credit-card rebates, then forget to cancel before the annual fee hits.
Adopt minimalist travel ideology, also known as “embracing your inner tech bro who owns two t-shirts.”

Yes, the funeral is tongue-in-cheek, but come Wednesday morning your debit card will feel the chill of a brand-new ancillary revenue stream. Pack light—or pack cash.

Final Thoughts

As the crowd dispersed, gate agents lowered the ceremonial jet bridge. In the hush, a single PA chime echoed: “Bags Fly Free has left the chat.” Travelers saluted one final time—then sprinted to the service counter to pay their respects and their impending bag fees. Somewhere overhead, the contrail heart slowly unraveled—just like our loyalty, but with 1.76% more shareholder value.