DALLAS, TX – American Airlines’ Chief Operating Officer David Seymour was recently asked why American Airlines was last in customer satisfaction and what the airline was doing about it. The answer was refreshingly honest.
American Airlines’ Chief Operating Officer David Seymour was recently put on the hot seat when a pilot with the Texas airline asked Seymour what the airline was doing about its near-last place finish in the JD Power and Associates customer satisfaction survey.
This answer was said to elicit audible gasps and a few chortles from the crowd of pilots and flight crew.
“To be honest, we just don’t give a <expletive>,” stated Seymour, bluntly delivering the line before elaborating. “Listen, our customers are idiots – most of them anyway. No matter how bad we treat them they keep coming back. We actually commissioned a survey a few years back and it found – shockingly – that many customers felt like an abused spouse in their relationship with our great airline. Turns out it doesn’t matter how we treat them. They keep coming back.”
Seymour reportedly smirked a bit after that line before continuing. “Sure, we have to apologize every once in a while, and yes, occasionally we have to ‘promise we’ve changed and that it’s the ‘last time,’ but our customers just keep coming back. No matter what we throw at them. And, hey, listen, we are in the Top 10, ok? Top 10! That’s a great accomplishment.”
The COO then revealed how the company plans to spend some of the money it’s saving on customer service efforts revealing a list that received a smattering of applause from some members of the audience:
- Bigger bonuses for executives
- Funding paying AA flight attendants during boarding
- Remodeling and reducing the size of AA clubs
- Continuing to pay flight attendants who refuse to retire despite having served for 307 years or more
- Paying JD Power and Associates to bump them higher up on the 2023 survey
The post you just read is…satire